Girl in Progress!

The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits. -Anon

 

On day one of my reduced manipulation experiment I was very excited. I jumped about like a little girl setting out on a grand adventure. I told Dan all about my amazing plan and how I believed that this could really be the end of hair loss for me. As I rambled on, he nodded his head at various intervals and replied ‘Hmm’ when appropriate. A clear indication that he wasn’t listening to a thing I was saying. But that didn’t bother me at all. I would have kept talking even if it was to a blank wall. So I did. Then made my way to the bathroom to begin my experiment.

In the bathroom, a.k.a laboratory, my twist out from the day before still looked fresh in the mirror. I considered just wearing it out like that but with the way I am that would probably only last a day. Also, I was going to class the next morning and would only have myself to blame if the usual suspect committed the great offence of sticking her bogus fingers in my hair again. Oh yeah, the usual suspect. One of my German teachers. Let’s call her Chriselda. A perfectly befitting name for  a bubbly red haired character with a strange natural hair obsession. When we first met, she said to me and the entire class, ‘Ich finde, schwarze Haare wirklich interessant!’ In other words she’s fascinated with black hair. Chriselda speaks at the speed of light. It’s very hard to catch anything she says let alone understand it. She also moves at the speed of light. She has caught me off guard on a few occasions where I think she’s coming to inspect my work, instead her hand lands in my hair. Like Bam! The last time she walked towards me I ducked and screamed, ‘Don’t touch my hair!’ But funny, that day she was coming for my scarf. Don’t ask. So instead I ended up looking like a complete paranoid schizophrenic.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I wouldn’t mind morning styling so much if the styling could just take care of itself. I mean, I didn’t want to have to think about anything in the mornings, not about the clothes I had to wear, not about the breakfast I usually misssed and especially not about my hair.

 

She once said to me, ‘Winter must be so nice for you because your hair is like a hat, you don’t need another one!’

LOL Chriselda! That’s a good one but no not really.

‘But in summer…’

And there I was thinking she was finished.

‘…it must be really difficult beause it must be so heavy…a hat you can’t take off…and all that sweating-‘

Okay! Okay! Stop Chriselda! Just stop it now. You’re killing me! And you’re totally off track by the way. Totally. Off track. Aahh, my life!

Anyway, back in the lab, to make sure my style was completely Chriselda-proof, I gathered my twists into a bun with a little quiff bobby-pinned to the side to finish off my look and hide away my ends. Now there were no spell-binding coily locks for her to see or touch. I suddenly realised I was done with my hair and not a single hair was on the floor or anywhere else for that matter. Everything stayed on my head. I could nahhh believe it! I mean, I never esperrerit! It was that simple. I also could not believe how quick that was. I got out of the bathroom and Dan was like ‘Eh?! Is that it?’ With his half English and almost Nigerian accent. His face covered in utter disbelief. He was used to me walking into the bathroom and never coming out. I must admit it was a little awkward for me too, finishing in less than ten minutes when normally doing my chunky twists took at least an hour each time. I felt good! I had successfully completed the first day of the trial. I went to bed well pleased and dreamed of a life with no more hair loss. Ever again.

The next morning I woke to find my scarf had unravelled itself from my head and was now lying in a disheveled pile on the pillow. That was nothing new. It happened all the time. I wondered why I even bothered wearing a scarf when all it did was come off. Oh no! My bun! I panicked, felt my hair and jumped in front of the nearest mirror. Miraculously my bun was still in place. Phew! Thank God. I was not about to start a morning struggle with restyling. I never left styling to the mornings because morning styling meant cutting sleep time. And ain’t nobody got time for that! And if my hair decided not to co-operate with me, it would take ages to fix it. If I didn’t have ages, I could end up going into class looking like a savage that casually walked in from the nearest jungle. And ain’t nobody got time for that either!

I wouldn’t mind morning styling so much if the styling could just take care of itself. I mean, I didn’t want to have to think about anything in the mornings, not about the clothes I had to wear, not about the breakfast I usually missed and especially not about my hair. I needed one of those finely crafted inventions that did all of that for me. Kind of like the one in Wallace and Gromit where all I have to do is pull a lever by my bed and the morning grooming would automatically happen including the hair styling. Oooh yes! Definitely like that one, with the raspberry-jammed toast landing on the plate in front of me in perfect time. Now wouldn’t that be the perfect morning routine for a natural woman? Unfortunately, we are still only in the 21st century and I would have to continue washing myself and styling my hair without any help until maybe one day GE partners with Bosch to make this great invention a reality. Maybe by the time I’m ninety. I’ll certainly be needing it then.

The first week was a breeze in my bun and quiff. The bun stayed put. I didn’t experience any scalp tension, I hardly did any work and I didn’t even need to detangle (or so I thought). I just sectioned and loosely twisted to re-stretch my hair. The bun was perfect and seemed to be the ideal solution to reduce breakage. The only thing was, it wasn’t as Chriselda-proof as I thought. In her lesson, just before we went for break, my bun did it’s voodoo thing on her and she just had to touch it. Just had to! I thought she was coming to speak to the new student sitting next to me! Aaaghhh!!! The things I have to deal with! Apart from that though, I was begnning to feel that I could live a good life with a bun on my head.

By the start of the second week, the weather suddenly changed. It got a little colder and harsh weather meant a little more hair pampering for me. So I washed and conditioned but decided to still leave the proper detangling till the end of the week. What a huge mistake! And to make things worse, my hair didnt completely air dry overnight. I really should have known that this would be a problem but I just thought, ‘Nah its fine. It has the whole day to dry.’ And went about my day with a soggy bun. Lucky I didn’t catch a cold. It dried eventually but I ended up with matted and seriously tangled hair. So what should have been a light detangling session turned out to be a rip and tear it all out session. My fingers were totally useless for this, I had to use the comb which I had been avoiding for a while now. But it was the only thing that could do the job. All the hair I thought I was keeping fell out in a snap. In just one detang-session.

Truth is there was only one of two ways this experiment could have gone. Either really well or really badly. That detang session was bad enough for me. That was it. Experiment over. In only two weeks. I wasn’t even going to bother trying again. Of course most of the errors in this experiment were due to variables that could have in fact been controlled. But hey, test subject and experimenter were both me. And I was a very ambitious researcher but a lazy ass subject – refusing to detangle.  And who goes wearing a soggy bun in winter?! Real genius but don’t judge me. Some days, my life is a rush.

So, yes I am very aware that I was the problem in this experiment. Nevertheless, my low manipulation bun theory is still going to pot. Was it the end of hair loss for me? Heck no. And if it isn’t saving hair, it’s not worth it. Girl on a mission here. Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with bunning. It’s a perfect low manipulation hair style but I learned that to do it on a regular basis and maintain healthy hair would mean a lot more work than I really wanted to do. And that just defeats the whole idea of low manipulation for me. Plus it’s winter y’all, its better I don’t expose my strands to harsh weather. Right? So I’m back on my chunky twists! They can keep for two weeks before I need to redo them. Now that’s low manipulation! When I unravel them, detangling is a walk in the park too. I don’t know why I didn’t see that before. So maybe I’ll leave any further experimentations to when I’m balling and have more than enough hair to work with. Like say sixteen inches? Ha! This girl can dream sha but we’ll see! 🙂

Till next time, I’d like to wish you all a very fabulous Christmas!

Eat a whole turkey…chicken and jollof rice…in fact, just eat everything!

Laugh till you fall down and keep rocking your hair like a true diva! 😉

Peace, love and blessings!

Illustration: Wikipedia